A Confession
Dear Lord,
I don't have it - the strength to handle things, I mean. I'd really like to think I do. I prefer thinking I'm strong, smart, and capable. But I know better.
It's not that I don't work at things. Heaven know there are days when I work from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep at night. I try to start my day off right, with prayer, reading, meditation. On really good days, I get to Mass. On great days, I might even visit you in the Blessed Sacrament when I can find an open Church, mostly when I'm in the city working and I'm not rushing to an appointment.
And Heaven knows, on good days, I've got a plan for the day that includes all this, plus the items I need to cover in my work, all listed, even prioritized when I'm really on top of my game.
But in the end, it seems the more I do things really well, the bigger my ego gets, the more my pride swells, and life becomes self-centered. And "self" isn't what I want; I want You.
So if doing things really well isn't really when I'm doing my best, when am I really doing my best? I do my best when I remember that I'm that little child that struggles to get up the stairs, but in the end needs someone to pick them up and carry them. Or I'm struggling to learn to ride a bike, only to find that when I finally get my balance, I really have no idea where to go.
The sad fact is, it's awfully easy to forget about You whenever I manage to accomplish anything. It's so easy to enjoy taking credit for my accomplishments and bask in the feeling, sometimes the glory of a job well done. And right there, right in that moment of self-satisfaction, the devil - who I know, when I'm thinking straight, looks for just these moments - the devil tries to twist this self-satisfaction into full-grown pride, looking to snatch me away, to recruit me for his team of self-satisfied, self-sufficient creatures who forget who made them, and - more important - who really loves them.
What a bumbling fool I typically am in the spiritual life, even as I work hard and become "successful" in the world, believing I've finally gotten "control" of my life!
And so I come to You today. I need You more than anything else. I recognize - at least in this grace-inspired moment of Truth - that it's You who's in control, always You, not me. Without You I can do nothing, indeed I am nothing. In fact, I'm inherently weak and ignorant, and so any good that does happen to come from me, from my bumbling efforts to live a good life, really comes from You.
No, this isn't false humility. It's simply a moment of truth. It's a moment of truth that I know could only have come to me as a gift from You - the Truth. No way I'd figure this out on my own.
So thank you, Dear Lord. Thank you for this respite, this break from myself, my pride, my all-encompassing, self-centered life. Thank you for this moment of relief from the the oppressive, anxious life I typically live because I take myself oh-so-seriously. Thank you for helping me to understand the truth that I am that helpless child who needs to be carried up the stairs.
And in those moment when I do accomplish anything - like when I learned to ride a bike - help me to look to You, only to You, to know which way to ride. Be with me, stay with me today and always.
I don't have it - the strength to handle things, I mean. I'd really like to think I do. I prefer thinking I'm strong, smart, and capable. But I know better.
It's not that I don't work at things. Heaven know there are days when I work from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep at night. I try to start my day off right, with prayer, reading, meditation. On really good days, I get to Mass. On great days, I might even visit you in the Blessed Sacrament when I can find an open Church, mostly when I'm in the city working and I'm not rushing to an appointment.
And Heaven knows, on good days, I've got a plan for the day that includes all this, plus the items I need to cover in my work, all listed, even prioritized when I'm really on top of my game.
But in the end, it seems the more I do things really well, the bigger my ego gets, the more my pride swells, and life becomes self-centered. And "self" isn't what I want; I want You.
So if doing things really well isn't really when I'm doing my best, when am I really doing my best? I do my best when I remember that I'm that little child that struggles to get up the stairs, but in the end needs someone to pick them up and carry them. Or I'm struggling to learn to ride a bike, only to find that when I finally get my balance, I really have no idea where to go.
The sad fact is, it's awfully easy to forget about You whenever I manage to accomplish anything. It's so easy to enjoy taking credit for my accomplishments and bask in the feeling, sometimes the glory of a job well done. And right there, right in that moment of self-satisfaction, the devil - who I know, when I'm thinking straight, looks for just these moments - the devil tries to twist this self-satisfaction into full-grown pride, looking to snatch me away, to recruit me for his team of self-satisfied, self-sufficient creatures who forget who made them, and - more important - who really loves them.
What a bumbling fool I typically am in the spiritual life, even as I work hard and become "successful" in the world, believing I've finally gotten "control" of my life!
And so I come to You today. I need You more than anything else. I recognize - at least in this grace-inspired moment of Truth - that it's You who's in control, always You, not me. Without You I can do nothing, indeed I am nothing. In fact, I'm inherently weak and ignorant, and so any good that does happen to come from me, from my bumbling efforts to live a good life, really comes from You.
No, this isn't false humility. It's simply a moment of truth. It's a moment of truth that I know could only have come to me as a gift from You - the Truth. No way I'd figure this out on my own.
So thank you, Dear Lord. Thank you for this respite, this break from myself, my pride, my all-encompassing, self-centered life. Thank you for this moment of relief from the the oppressive, anxious life I typically live because I take myself oh-so-seriously. Thank you for helping me to understand the truth that I am that helpless child who needs to be carried up the stairs.
And in those moment when I do accomplish anything - like when I learned to ride a bike - help me to look to You, only to You, to know which way to ride. Be with me, stay with me today and always.
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